Welcome back to the mustache matchup where I, an extremely qualified mustache rater, really unpack the art of these eloquent staches. There is only one rule- if you can’t take the heat… shave the stache.
This week we have a very tight match, Gordon Hayward and Ryan Gosling. Two successful men in their fields who are clearly willing to risk it all for a juicy stache.
Let’s start with Gordon Hayward, mind you this photo is from his Boston days but good LORD, what a fine mustache he’s rocking. I’ll be honest, I don’t usually love mustaches but he just has one of those faces that really embraces the stache — I’d almost go as far as to say that he needs the stache.
Pros: astonishingly full, brings me genuine serotonin, he can rock the –stache thicker than the rest of the beard- look which is impressive, good height to width ratio
Cons: the tongue makes it seem like he hides snacks in it, slightly untamed but in a good way (?)
I give Hayward an 8.6/10, this is definitely one of the better mustaches I’ve set my eyes on. Hot take? Maybe, but you’re lying if you don’t think his stache slaps.
Next up we have Ryan Gosling who received a lot of praise in the past for rocking this stache. Personally, I could never praise him for such a disservice to his face- the whole thing just feels super illegal to me. Like look at this… not a good call, Ryan.
Pros: nice and thick, even thicker than the rest of his beard (could be a con)
Cons: hides the rest of his face, lacks symmetry, raggedy vibes on the upper lip line, makes me physically sad
I mean I get it- the loose tie and the tucked chain, they call for this more unkept style of stache but in the end if you’re suiting up, you better line that stache up like there’s no tomorrow. Match the stache vibes to the suit vibes, always.
In the end, it brings me absolutely no joy, only pure pain to have to give this man a 5.2/10, on account of the fact that we all know he can do better and i struggled to find pros. Sorry, Ryan… you were great in The Notebook??